WHY DO WOMEN DON’T UNDERSTAND MEN, AND WHO MEN REALLY ARE?
A few days ago, my son let me know about an unpleasant surprise: his wife wants the divorce.
It gave him a headache, some sleepless nights, and a lot of unanswered questions. One of them is “what the women want”? What if they have everything you can dream of in marriage but are still not satisfied, like in my son’s case?
His wife has everything any woman would dream about: the house in the most prestigious area, great outdoors, nice neighborhood, beautiful and sweetheart daughter, a husband who loves her and is a great father, satisfaction in the bed, excellent and secure employment with solid compensation, a favorite dog, loving family who support her… I could continue on and on. Yet, she is not happy.
I spent some time researching the subject, not to mention my personal experience, and I would like to begin the series of articles intended primarily for females, even if this club is for men.
First of all, I have noticed several ladies who have joined our club and who are interested to learn more about men. Secondly, I hope many men would learn a lot from the information I am going to present here. This information can be either shared with their girlfriend or wife or will give them a piece of mind for their arguments with females.
If you’re dating, and you want to find out how to take it to another level, these articles will be for you. If you’re in a committed relationship, and you want to get a wedding ring, these articles will be for you. If you’re married and you want to regain control and strengthen your bond, or if you’re tired of being played with, then I want you to use this article as a tool and use it to anticipate a man’s game plan and to counter with an offense and defense that’s unstoppable.
The women should start to understand why the complexities and nuances they drag into each of their relationships with the opposite sex really serve them no justice. They have to understand that expecting a man to respond to them the way a woman would respond is never going to work. Approaching to men on men’s terms, on their turf, in their way, can, in turn, get women exactly what they want.
Women need a mentor, someone to help get them through and decode the mess, so they can get what they’re truly after.
I want every woman who truly wants a solid relationship but just can’t figure out how to get one, and those who are already in a relationship and trying to figure out how to make it better, to forget everything she’s ever been taught about men—erase the myths, everything your mother told you, everything your girlfriends told you, all the advice you’ve read in magazines and seen on television—and find out here, in these pages, who men really are.
Trust me: if you walk into a relationship thinking you’re going to “change” your man, is the worst and most doomed plan. Why? Because no matter what other women are shouting from the covers of magazines, on the television talk shows, during your girlfriend getaway bonding trips, and on blogs, there are basic things in men that are never going to change. No matter how good you are to a man, no matter how good you are for him until you understand what drives him, what motivates him, and how he loves, you will be vulnerable to his deception and the games he plays.
Ladies, here is one statement that may surprise you: men are simple. Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us here will begin to fall into place. Once you get that down, you’ll have to understand a few essential truths: men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both, everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood—the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he’s truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he’s achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you’re dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.
Think about it: from the moment a boy is born, the first thing everyone around him starts doing is telling him what he must do to be a real man. He is taught to be tough—to wrestle, climb, get up without crying, not let anyone push him around. He is taught to work hard—to do chores around the house, get the groceries out of the car, take out the trash, shovel the snow, cut the grass, and, as soon as he’s old enough, get a job.
He is taught to protect—to watch out for his mother and his younger siblings, to watch over the house and the family’s property. And he is especially encouraged to uphold his family name—make something of himself so that when he walks in a room, everybody is clear about who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. Each of these things is taught in preparation for one thing: manhood.
The pursuit of manhood doesn’t change once a boy is grown. In fact, it’s only magnified. His focus has always been on and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how much he makes until he feels like he’s achieved his mission. And until a man does these things, women only fit into the cracks of his life. He’s not thinking about settling down, having children, or building a home with anyone until he’s got all three of those things in sync. I’m not saying that he has had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to make it.
If men aren’t pursuing their dreams—if we’re not chasing the “who we are,” the “what we do,” and the “how much we make,” we’re doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new life breathes into us—it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates us. From the moment I became a professional and had a set of good skills, I stepped onto that stage ready to be the very best.
This is the drive that every man has, whether he’s the best player in the NBA, or he’s the head of a Fortune 500 company or the supervisor on the line at the local bakery; whether he’s the kingpin of a major cartel or the chief corner boy on the block. Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything we do is geared toward ensuring we can make this happen.
If a man can afford a place to stay, then he can protect his family from the elements; if he can afford a pair of sneakers for his child, he can feel confident enough to send him or her to school feeling secure and upbeat; if he can afford meat at the grocery store, then he can feel assured that he can feed his family.
When I was without a job with a mortgage and car loan on my shoulders, I have been doing whatever I can to feed my family and pay my bills: I have delivered pizza, I have painted the houses, I did some electrical work… This is all any man wants; anything less, and he doesn’t feel like a man.
Even more, we want to feel like we’re number one. We want to be The Best somewhere. In charge. We know we’re not going to be the head man in every situation, but somewhere in our lives, we’re going to be the one everyone answers to because it’s that important to us. We want the bragging rights—the right to say, “I’m number one.” Women don’t seem to care about this so much. But for us men? It’s everything. After we’ve attained that, it’s critical that we can show off what we get for being number one. We have to be able to exhibit it, and women have to be able to see it—otherwise, what’s the use of being number one?
You need to know this because you have to understand a man’s motivation—why he’s not home, why he spends so much time working, why he’s watching his money the way he does. Because in his world, he’s being judged by other men, based on who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. That affects his mood. If you know he’s not where he wants to be or not on track for being where he wants to be, then his mood swings at the house will make more sense to you. Your inability to get him to sit and just talk now makes sense. His “on the grind” mentality becomes clearer to you. Really, it’s all tied to the three things that drive him.
So, if this is on his mind, and he hasn’t lined up who he is, what he does, and how much he makes in the way that he sees fit, he can’t possibly be to you what he wants to be. Which means that you can’t really have the man you want. He can’t sit around talking with you or dream about marriage and family if his mind is on how to make money, how to get a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be for you.
In my observations, these facts don’t always sit well with most women. Many of you figure that if a man truly loves you, the two of you should be able to pursue your dreams together. Stability is important to you, but you’d rather build the foundation of your relationship together, no matter the man’s station in life. This is honorable, but really, it’s not the way men work. His eye will be on the prize, and that prize may not necessarily be you if he isn’t up to where he wants to be in life. We can’t focus on the two—we’re just not that gifted, sorry.
Mind you, a man doesn’t have to make a lot of money right now; as long as he sees his dreams being realized—the title is clear to him, his position is leading him in the direction of the place where he wants to be, and he knows the money will come—then he can rest a little easier, recognizing that he’s on the verge of becoming the man he wants to be. The way you can help him get there is to help him focus on his dream, see the vision, and implement his plan. If you can see yourself in that plan then latch on to it. Because when he reaches the level of success he’s hoping to reach, he’ll be a better, happier man for it—and you will be happy, too.
MAN’S LOVE ISN’T LIKE YOUR LOVE
Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick and laugh with you when you’re up.
I am the one who can confirm it. When I got seriously sick, my woman was the best caregiver you could find in the world who has helped me to come through the illness and my toughest days of life.
And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you? —she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything, she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough. That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance. And this is exactly how you all expect us, men, to love you in return.
Ask any woman what kind of love she wants from a man, and it will sound something like this: I want him to be humble and smart, fun and romantic, sensitive and gentle, and, above all, supportive. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me I’m beautiful and that I complete him. I want a man who is vulnerable enough to cry when he’s hurting, who will introduce me to his mother with a smile on his face, who loves children and animals, and who is willing to change diapers and wash dishes and do it all without me having to ask. And if he has a nice body and a lot of money and expensive shoes without scuffs, that would be great, too. To add to it, read my article.
Amen. Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love—that perfection—from a man is unrealistic.
It’s not going to happen, ladies, no way, no how. Because a man’s love isn’t like a woman’s love. Don’t get it confused, now—I’m not saying that we’re not capable of loving. I’m just saying that a man’s love is different—much simpler, direct, and probably a little harder to come by. I’ll tell you this much: a man who is in love with you is probably not going to call you every half hour and give you an update on how much more he loves you at 5:30 P.M. than he did at 5:00 P.M.; he’s not going to sit around stroking your hair and wiping your brow with cold compresses while you sip hot tea and nurse yourself back to health. His love is still love, though.
It’s just different from the love that women give and, in a lot of cases, want. I argue that if you simply recognize how, exactly, a man loves, you might find that the man standing in front of you is, indeed, giving you his all and then some. How do you know when a man loves you?
Simple: he will do each of the following three things that, in short, can describe a man’s man.
If your man loves you, he’s willing to tell anybody and everybody, “Look, man, this is my woman” or “this is my girl,” “my baby’s mama,” or “my lady.” In other words, you will have a title—an official one that far extends beyond “this is my friend,” or “this is__________ (insert your name here).” That’s because a man who has placed you in the most special part of his heart—the man who truly has feelings for you—will give you a title.
He is professing it for all to hear because he’s serious about this thing—it may be the beginning of something special.
A man who professes you as his own is also saying in not so many words that he’s claiming you—that you are his. Now he’s put everyone on notice. Any man who hears another man says, “this is my lady,” knows that whatever games/tricks/plans/schemes he may have had in mind for the pretty, sexy lady standing in front of him need to be shelved until the next single woman comes in the room because another man has professed out loud that “this one is mine and she’s not available for anything you were plotting and planning.” It’s a special signal we men all recognize and respect as the universal code for “off-limits.”
If he introduces you as his “friend,” or by your name, have no doubt that’s all you are. He doesn’t think any more of you than that. In your hearts, ladies, you all know this.
So, if you’ve been dating a guy for at least ninety days and you’ve never met his mother, you don’t go to church together, you haven’t been around his family or his friends, and he took you to a networking/job/social function and introduced you by your name, then you’re not in his plans—he doesn’t see you in his future. But the minute he assigns a title—the moment he lays claim to you in front of people who mean something to him in his life, whether it’s his boy, his sister, or his boss—that’s the minute you know your man is making a statement. He is professing his intentions for you—and acknowledging them to the people who need to know that information. An acknowledgment is key—you will know if a man is serious about you once he claims you.
Once we’ve claimed you, and you’ve returned the honor, we’re going to start bringing home the bacon. Simply put, a man who loves you will bring that money home to make sure that you and the kids have what you all need. That is our role—our purpose. Society has told us, men, for the millennium that our primary function is to make sure our families are set—whether we’re alive or dead, the people we love need to want for nothing. This is the very core of manhood—to be the provider. That’s what it’s all about. If a man is in a position of being questioned about whether he’s able to provide, financially and otherwise, for the ones he loves, you might as well put down his ego into an early grave.
The more he can provide for his woman and his kids, the bigger and more alive he feels. Sounds simplistic, but that is the reality.
As a provider, a man pays the bills that have to be paid—the rent, the heat and light bill, the car loan; he buys groceries; he pays school tuition, and he takes care of other household expenditures. He will not spend his money on trifling things and come to you with what’s left, and he will not selfishly give you a little cut and take the rest for himself. And a man who truly loves you would never make you ask for money for necessities—he would make sure that you need and most want for nothing, because every pat on the back he gets for bringing more money into the house, every kiss he gets for handing over cash for school clothes and supplies and toys, every bit of appreciation he gets for keeping the lights and cable on, boosts his prowess as a man.
That’s why, if he’s a real man (man’s man), he will always put buying something for himself far below his responsibility to provide for his family. His need for expensive shoes or a fancy car or anything else men like to spend their money on will pale in comparison to providing for loved ones because those expensive things can’t make him square his shoulders the way true appreciation from a woman can. So, everything he does is going to be about trying to make sure the woman he loves has what she needs.
Some women may laugh reading this if they were taught to be financially independent; if you’ve been taught all your life to go ditch on your dates and pull out your own checkbook when it comes to paying your bills, and you’ve been repeatedly told that you can’t depend on a man to do anything for you, then it’s understandable why you can’t wrap your mind around this simple concept.
I have to be frank with you: I taught my daughter the same way. She must have a profession that will make her life (if living independently) affordable. Life is tough and can bring unexpected surprises. Many parents would agree with me that the kids are not always accepting our suggestions that are based on life experience. Unfortunately, they want to get that experience the hard way on their own. Hard to admit but that unexpected change in life has happened to my kids, too.
But let’s get back to the topic: remember what drives a man; real men do what they have to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed, housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they’re doing anything. For sure, all too many men evade this responsibility, whether out of selfishness, stupidity, sheer inability, or a combination of all three. But some men simply do not have the education, resources, and ability to make an adequate amount of hard cash.
And if a man can’t provide, then he doesn’t feel like a man, so he flees to escape the horrible feelings of inadequacy, or he’s going to bury those feelings in drugs and alcohol. Indeed, you can probably trace a whole host of the pathologies exhibited by the most trifling of men back to their inability to provide. Some try to use crime to make up for it (clearly, our prisons tell us that’s not working); some use drugs (our street corners tell us that’s not working, either); some just run (the numbers of women raising kids alone, and falling into poverty because of it, tell us that’s definitely not working).
But ask any one of those men who aren’t doing right by themselves or the ones they love what they regret most, and I’ll bet you a majority of them will say the same thing: they wish they had the ability to provide.
Of course, some men simply refuse to share the money in their pockets with their women. These men feel they’re being “played” if they provide anything of monetary value to the opposite sex. Some men even label any and every woman who expects her intended to provide for her the very handy, decisively ugly phrase gold digger. Oh, when it comes to women, that phrase gets tossed around these because it is an experience of many men. Unfortunately, gold diggers are not rare. My son can confirm it!
In fact, men have set it up so well that we’ve got women thinking that if they remotely expect a man to pay for their dinner, or buy them a drink at the bar, or set any financial requirements for their man, then they’re gold diggers.
I’m here to tell you, though, ladies, that the term “gold digger” is one of the traps we men set to keep you off our money trail; we created that term for you so that we can have all of our money and still get everything we want from you without you asking for or expecting this very basic, primeval responsibility that men all over the world are obligated to assume and embrace.
It’s a “get-over” term, ladies—one that has a very legitimate premise (there are, of course, women who date and marry men solely for the cold, hard cash), but one that has been wrongly and almost universally applied to any woman who has made clear that she expects her man to fulfill his duty as a man. Know this: It is your right to expect that a man will pay for your dinner, your movie ticket, your club entry fee, or whatever else he has to pay for in exchange for your time.
You all have to stop this foolishness with the “I pay for my dinner so he knows I don’t need him” approach.
Man’s man wants to feel needed. And the easiest way to help him get that high is to let him provide for you. This is only fair. And if he loves you? Oh, he’s going to bring every cent home to you. He’s not going to come back from gambling all his money away, saying, “Here’s $100—that’s all I got this week.”
He’s going to come straight home with that check, and if there’s anything left over after he takes care of each and every one of your needs, well, then he’ll play. This is man's business, baby. It’s how we do.
Now, there are different ways to provide besides monetarily. Your man could be broke, but he’s going to do everything within his power to make up for this by supplying your needs in other tangible ways. If you’re running low on groceries, he may not be able to give you money to go to the store, but he might have a little extra something in his refrigerator and pantry to hold you over until he can give you a couple of dollars. In other words, he’s not going to let you go hungry.
If your car is broken down, he may not be able to pay for a mechanic, but he can call his buddies over to help him move your ride to the side of the road and give you rides to work until he figures out how to pay for your car to get fixed. If you need some pictures hung, the sink unclogged, and a new garage door installed, a man who loves you will climb up a twenty-foot ladder to get that picture up on the wall, put a bucket down to catch the overflowing water from the sink while he goes to find the right part, he needs to fix the pipes, and pore through the instruction manual for hours to figure out how to get that garage door in.
Providing for the ones he loves and cares about, whether it’s monetarily or with sweat work, is a part of a man’s DNA, and if he loves and cares for you, this man will provide for you all these things with no limits.
When a man truly loves you, anybody who says, does, suggests, or even thinks about doing something offensive to you stands the risk of being destroyed. Your man will destroy anything and everything in his path to make sure that whoever disrespected you pays for it. This is his nature. You pick any male species on the planet, and the same is true: no one is going to disrespect their family without paying a cost—or at least putting up a serious fight.
This is characteristic—recognized and respected from the first relationship that a boy has, that relationship being with his mother. He may not know what unconditional love is yet, but a boy child will never (a)admit that his mother is capable of making mistakes, or (b) let someone say or do something to his mother. This is taught to males practically from the womb—cover your mother, protect her, don’t let anybody say anything about her or do anything to her, and if they do, let them know it’s time to take it outside. This is the way I was teaching my son. I remember clearly when I was going to leave for a business trip, I always was telling my son (starting from 4 years young), “I am leaving for a job, so, watch out for your mother.”
Indeed, that is what every man is supposed to—and is willing to do—for the people for whom he professes and provides. Once he says he cares about you, you are a prized possession to him, he will do anything to protect that prized possession. If he’s hearing you argue with a bill collector, he’s going to say, “Who are you talking to? Let me talk to him right quick.” If your ex is calling and bringing drama in your life, your man is going to talk to him about it. If he sees your kids are cutting up and getting out of hand, he’s going to talk to them, too. In other words, he’s going to be providing protection and leadership for his family because he knows a real man is a protector.
There is not a real man living who will not protect what is his. It’s about respect. I’d argue that this is most certainly one of the key things any woman wants in her man because it is what girls have been raised to expect—that they can count on the most important men in their lives to go to battle for them, and keep them safe from all harm, no matter the cost.
I think you all know this so well that you take great care in letting a man who loves you know when someone’s been a threat or danger to you, because you know that your man—whether he be your father, brother, uncle, husband, or lover—is going to do everything in his power and then some to defend your honor. Maybe even hurt somebody, despite the consequences.
Protection isn’t just about using brute, physical force against someone, though. A man who truly cares about or loves you can and will protect you in other ways, whether it be with advice, or stepping up to perform a task that he thinks is too dangerous for you to do. For instance, if it’s dark outside, he may not want you to put the car in the driveway or walk the dog by yourself because he fears for your safety; in this instance, he’ll move the cars and walk the dog himself, even if he’s just off a double shift so that you can be inside where it’s safe.
If you’re walking by someone who looks like he might be a threat, a man who loves you is going to protect you by putting himself between you and that guy as you walk by so if he tries anything, he’ll have to get through your man before he so much as lays a finger on you.
My wife doesn’t trip about this; she just says, “Thanks for caring, honey”, and gives me a kiss.
And I do care about her, so my DNA screams out to me to protect her and provide for her and profess about her in any way that I can. This, by the way, is how our fathers did it, and their fathers, and their fathers, too—to the best of their natural ability, even in the most adverse times when protecting and providing was not easy. We’ve lost sight of this—stopped demanding it from our men.
Maybe it’s because there are so many women left to raise their children alone, or maybe it’s because there just haven’t been enough men teaching our boys how to be true men. But I firmly believe that a real woman can bring out the best in a man; sometimes we need only meet a real woman other than our own mother to bring out our best qualities. That, however, requires something of the woman; she’s got to demand that every man stand and deliver.
I wish my son was in Army for at least 2 years. The army makes a teenager a man. The army teaches that, no matter how difficult something is, the man can and should be persistent enough to overcome the problem. The army teaches a boy how to do something that you don’t like to do. It teaches discipline; it teaches how to manage people (more than 100 people in my case). It teaches how to become a man’s man.
Women are constantly complaining that there aren’t any good men, and complain about all the things men won’t do.
Your man may not willingly change diapers, wash the dishes, and rub your feet after a hot bath, but a real man who loves you sure will walk through a mountain and on the water before he’d let someone bring any hurt or harm to you (protect). This much you can believe. If you’ve got a man who does these things for you, trust me, he’s all in. But if he loves you, he will make sure the prescription is filled, heat up a can of soup, and make sure everybody is in position until you are better (provide).
Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to ask you one simple thing. If you like what you read, and if you want to find out more about something like:
- A FEW SIMPLE THINGS EVERY MAN NEEDS TO MAKE HIM HAPPY
- WHAT MAKES MEN RUN FOR COVER
- WHAT MEN THINK AND WHAT MEN DO
- And many other aspects of relationships…
Click the link and respond with an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org, and let me know if you want to read more. Frankly speaking, I am spending a lot of time writing the articles and extracting the information from my resources. Wouldn’t be fair, perhaps, to let me know that the material I present is appreciated?
Just type: Yes, I want it!
Your Club Admin